Are you ready to begin with me?

Yesterday I stepped out on the edge of the pier not to jump off, but to look. I wanted to see something out here in the wide open, and strangely enough it didn’t require me physically to go anywhere at all. I thought maybe I needed to escape from my four wall asylum, but then I realized I had no place to go. The idea of sitting in a park, or wandering around the city felt like it wasn’t going to fill the form for me. I knew the walls that I was climbing were not necessarily the walls of my small Brooklyn apartment, but rather these were the walls I built inside my head. I also knew that time on the cushion could provide an answer to my unsettled nature, but my mind/body wouldn’t bring me there. The words needed a place to rest that wasn’t jumbled in my brain. It is like weary travelers that can’t stretch their legs. Nobody wants to be buried alive, heaped in thoughts, and shackled to wanting more. Accepting things as they are only seems to work when it is paired with insightful action. My pen needed to do some walking, or in this case, my fingers had to do some key-tapping, and this is exactly what went down.

My mind let the thoughts rush out like a waterfall, not worried if they made sense, not caring how they were going to be received. I knew that if the discomfort I was feeling was going to be dealt with then it was going to happen in the breeze of words. I got my get out of jail free card, and it felt like a wind of joy rushing over me, through me. Now a day later I am still basking in that glow. I saw something, even if it is brief, and transitory, I know I glimpsed it. That tricky bugger of realization showed me its face, before it quickly recessed back into the forest to be rediscovered on another bright and shiny day when frustration turns itself around, becoming the opposite of itself. In The Kybalion it talks about the pendulum swing of polarities, and how in any extreme, one can quickly turn the situation on its head, and access its opposite equivalent. In some ways I have always been applying such work with polarities by turning frustration and disappointment into wisdom and joy on the spot. This is what happened for me yesterday, developing out of a natural progression of being there and doing what feels right. Stepping into the flow is such a powerful act, and can’t be faked. You got to really do it. In the flow I rest as Lovenunrg said with “May you flow” in her comment. Between the encouragements of her, Luna June, Jack Daw 41 and Tom Y. Howe I felt supported. Then when my girlfriend Cinde came home I shared my experiences, and she seemed really excited.

Part of me fears falling into the trap of ego, by arriving on my high horse proclaiming greatness, and shouting about some small victory as if it is so important. As Jack Daw said in his comment, it really shows you with perspective how small things can appear like big things. As I recount this tale of my scraping out of a self-imposed jail I think of the tender quality needed to allow oneself to activate, and be the genuine article. What comes to mind is a brief conversation with Duff McDuffee on twitter where he mentioned the cultural constraints of authenticity, and how when society tells you to be yourself, it creates a paradox of seeking acceptance while attempting to remain true to yourself. I thought to myself real authenticity trumps the cards played by society. I shouted no, we don’t have to be stuck in their game, trapped in the clutches of conditioning, forced to rely on old thoughts, and be stuck with the wants and desires of our culture. I thought of absolute realities that go deeper, and speak of authenticity that doesn’t come from a book or some expert. No, this has to come in another way, and once accessed it has to be nurtured like any other seed you want to grow.

Cause and effect is so basic yet profound. It is easy get caught up in exotic words like karma, and lose its deep well of meaning. As a poet I have always had a window into the way words vibrate genuine representations of what they attempt to represent. I see their power, and in the same breath I see how quickly they can fail us. I don’t want my words to fail me, or you. I want these expressions to help become guides of truth and understanding, to come forth as actual expressions of the reality they point at.

As I write today the words are not coming as easily as they arrived yesterday but I venture forth. There is no place to go as I burn the bridge that circles back to non-creation, and step out into the fresh air. The stale space I inhabit grows useless. I notice that coping mechanisms stick around long after they have outgrown their usefulness. Our jobs are to recognize this and forge new habits which in the future we will have to discard all over again. It brings to mind trees as they shed their leaves in preparation for the long winter, only to arrive back in all their glory the following spring. Renewal is good stuff, and my heart sheds a tear when I think of my fellow travelers trapped with no desire to escape. I know what it feels like to be claustrophobic, stuck in your own stink, unable to escape. And I also know what it means to leave that space and to walk out into the world and say, “here I am”. In closing I feel compelled to not put an end to this exploration at all but rather to point to the beginning, a true beginning, an authentic journey. So I ask, are you ready to begin with me?